


Breathe (Phan)

by thegirlwholikestowrite



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Canon, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Future, Angst, Angst and Feels, BBC, Breakfast in Bed, Canon Related, Character Death, Couch Cuddles, Could Be Canon, Dan Howell Death, Domestic Fluff, Drinking, Fluff, France - Freeform, Future Phill, Heavy Angst, Help, Hospital, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Made Myself Cry, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Illnesses, Japan, Japhan, Lazy Mornings, London Eye - Freeform, Lung Cancer, M/M, Major Illness, Mating Flight, Not Happy, POV Alternating, Phil Lester Coping With Dan's Death, Phil Singing, Radio, References to Illness, Sick Dan, Singing, Sorry Not Sorry, Weird Plot Shit, Why Did I Write This?, cardiac arrest - Freeform, light fluff, there will be tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-02
Updated: 2015-05-02
Packaged: 2018-03-26 19:37:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3862210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegirlwholikestowrite/pseuds/thegirlwholikestowrite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan has two months left to live. Phil decides to keep this to himself. Shit happens.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Breathe (Phan)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [helena](https://archiveofourown.org/users/helena/gifts).



> Yo Guys! Its been a while since my last angst so I m just gonna go ahead and post this. This took me 4 hours so. Kudos comment whatever, thanks!
> 
>  
> 
> Song Phil Sings- The End Of All Things By P!ATD Listen to the song while reading, extra painful  
> I made a cover art thingy so you guys should check that out  
> http://iwillgodownwiththewaywardship.tumblr.com/post/117948658978/http-archiveofourown-org-works-386221-so-i

 

It was an ordinary day. Nothing excited had happened. Dan and Phil had slept late, tangled in each other’s arms. Then Phil had gotten up to prepare breakfast as Dan followed him into the kitchen with the blanket wrapped around his shoulders, his dimples deepening at the sight of Phil with his dark rimmed glasses on, messy hair, wearing Dan’s shirt. They had eaten on the couch. The eggs were too salty, but none of them had seemed to mind. After Phil dragged Dan back to bed, they had decided to spend the rest of the day in bed. They had laughed at some random pun Phil made and then they had gone back to sleep, breathing in each other’s all too familiar scent. Phil remembered every detail, every little thing Dan had done, every single word he had said. 

It was hard to wrap his mind around the idea that there was no unseeing what he had seen.

Dan had left for the radio late afternoon, waving Phil goodbye after pulling away from his lips. It hadn’t felt foreign then; it hadn’t felt forbidden or wrong. It was Dan.

After he had left, Phil had cleaned the kitchen, wiping away the crumbs and putting the egg carton back in the fridge. He had made their bed, cleaned his closet. He had tried to keep himself from thinking about Dan. He remembered how independent he wanted to be, how he wanted to prove himself that he _could_ function like a normal person would when Dan was away. Now he was scared to let go of his hand, trembling at the sight of him getting out the front door, as if he would never return.

He had turned off the TV and the quietness of the house numbed him. After a couple of minutes of searching, he had found his phone, suddenly deciding to check his email.

He never did. Call it fate, call it a coincidence, whatever it was, it made Phil open that email. And he had no way of knowing if things would have been better if he hadn’t.

He remembered the exact time he started reading it, it was carved into his mind, and no matter how hard he tried, he peculiarly failed at forgetting the small details.

It wasn’t making any sense.

It was from himself.

His eyebrows furrowed in confusion, his finger moving over the smooth, bright screen. He opened it with a feeling in his stomach he failed to describe. It was the feeling of falling, maybe. The way you felt when an elevator took you down a floor or two. Or you could call it the roller coaster feeling, where you don’t know what is coming, so there is no way to prepare yourself for the fall.

He wasn’t prepared for the fall.

It didn’t take long before curiosity had the best of him. He clicked on his name, which felt strange. He started reading.

_Dear Phil,_

_I know this must sound really really really really really weird to you. But just try to understand. I know you tend to believe in unbelievable exaggerations of reality, so I know you will believe me. Do you remember those long and serious talks about alternating universes with Dan? How you told him that you still had hope in happy glimpses of existence through different lights of sun? It’s time you had proof._

_You may not believe me, but I know deep down you must. This is me, or you. Or whatever term you want to use. I am from the universe where I hadn’t known Dan was going to die in my arms, never would have guessed. The pain of not knowing is greater than any other kind of pain I have experienced. I want you to save yourself. I want you to save Dan._

_I am 32, and after Dan’s death, I lost hope in everything. Don’t do that mistake. I know how Dan is your everything, how he is the exact reflection of your dreams. He is my everything too. Was. But you have to keep moving, for yourself as well as Dan._

_I am writing this to you in the hopes of you believing me. I always believed in you. And I know you must believe yourself. Go look into a mirror and tell me what you see. What you see, is a reflection of me. I am a side of you that happens to see beyond your control, beyond the existence of time, light and matter._

_This isn’t a science fiction novel, I know it isn’t. So I will keep it short._

_Be prepared._

_The day Dan died, completely vulnerable to everything, in my arms, breathing slowly, whispering me he loved me; I wasn’t expecting his heartbeat to slow, then completely stop. I wasn’t expecting the stillness inside his chest to reach my ears. I wasn’t expecting Dan’s death._

_After that, it only got worse. After the shock wore off, the realization struck. It struck like lightning. It left me breathless. What happens when your everything stops living? I had no idea._

_Daniel James Howell, the love of your life, the person who gave you everything you wanted, will die on June 13 th, 2015. 2:47 pm. Until then, take care of him. Show him how much he means to you. Tell the world how much he matters to you. _

_It doesn’t mean anything when he’s gone._

_So do it now, take him to places he always wanted to see, ask him questions he always wanted to answer, and love him more than you can._

_When that day comes, when that clock stops at 2.47, don’t hesitate. Put your head on his chest and feel him. It will be the last time you do. Kiss him harder than you ever did, it will be the last time you will._

He didn’t want to believe. He simply wanted to ignore it and act like he had never seen it. But there was no explaining why his throat hurt, and why his eyes were burning and why his heart ached.

What if?

Two words. Two simple words that make up a question that would keep him awake for days, kissing on top of Dan’s head like he never would have the chance again. The question that scared him to death.

He wasn’t taking any risks.

Dan was too fragile to risk. So Phil chose to believe. He chose to believe a random email from “himself”, telling him things he never wanted to know.

It was scary.

Every second passing, Phil knew was ticking off from Dan’s life.

It’s a common known fact of course. No one lives forever. But the thought of exposing such thing to Dan was unbearable.

So he chose to keep it to himself.

He chose to keep Dan to himself.

He knew he wouldn’t be able to avoid the kiss of death if the letter happened to be true. He knew if it was, he had no power to keep Dan to himself. So as long as he could, he was going to.

He loved Dan more after that. More than even possible.

He hugged him tighter and kissed him sweeter and made him laugh harder. He loved Dan more. More than his heart could hold.

Days passed, he tried to push it away, pretend it never was there. But it was as useless as trying to drain an ocean.

Every minute he spent inside the house felt like suffocating, it felt as Dan was wasting away, like a dandelion does when wind strokes its wings. So he decided to get out.

For Dan, of course.

But mostly for himself. Dan was still the same, but Phil could now see. How his breathing became raspy when he was talking, how when a slight cloud of pain passed over his bright brown eyes when he laughed too hard. Dan’s lungs were collapsing.

Phil took him to the doctor.

He said it was a routine checkup.

Dan had smiled and shrugged, reaching for Phil’s hand. Phil had waited outside.

It was the longest thirty minutes of his life and he had never known waiting for something so inevitable would hurt this bad. It was like standing in the middle of the road waiting for a car to hit you. You are prepared. But when it does, it still hurts.

No amount of preparation was enough to keep Phil from hurting. And when the doctor took Phil aside and forced a smile at Dan, Phil’s chest tightened. His breathing slowed. His vision blurred.

“Phil? It’s Phil, right?”

He nodded.

“When I decided to became a doctor, my mom had warned me. She had said that I would have never been able to tell someone that a loved one wasn’t well, wasn’t going to make it. I shrugged it off and told her I would be fine. And now… this is my first time, doing this. And it isn’t going to be easy for both of us.

Dan, he must really love you. And you must really love him. I can see it in you. There is just something about you two that makes it visible for the whole world to see that you are in love. Maybe it’s his loving gaze, or your adoring hold on him. I don’t know.

I am so sorry. Dan has a very rare illness. We do not have a cure, unfortunately. His lungs, are filling with fluids and there is nothing we can do to stop it. I am sorry… He… Even if you decide to put him in the hospital he doesn’t have a chance of making it. He doesn’t have… much time left.”

Phil was prepared for the hit. He was prepared for the fall this time. It had done no good. He took a deep breath and wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand clumsily. He didn’t want Dan to see.

“Can I… not tell him?”

“It’s up to you. Can you… handle it? Telling him he has two months left to live?”

Phil shook his head.

Two months.

Then Dan would be gone.

“Get him out of this place, go visit his parents, a different country. Don’t let him die on a hospital bed, let him live… until he no longer can. It’s up to you. Just don’t let him die alone.”

Phil nodded. He forced himself to get rid of the lump in his throat and somehow managed to look decent enough for Dan to not question it. Dan never looked close enough.

Phil bought their tickets a week after.

Dan had always wanted to see Japan. And it might have been the last time he would get to see cherries blossoming. And decided to give Dan everything he wanted, he decided to let Dan live.

_April 7 th, 2015 _

_Today I got to see the way Dan’s eyes lit up at the sight of two plane tickets. I got to see him be happy and dance around and hug me tightly as he laughed into my shoulder blades. I have never seen him this happy before, and I have never been this happy before._

_I am wishing more time for him._

_More time to be with me._

_More time to be happy._

_April 10 th, 2015 _

_Today I kissed him under a cherry blossom and held his hand the whole time. He is really happy._

_April 11 th, 2015 _

_He has a way of knowing how much I love him, I never need to say it. He just knows._

_April 12 th, 2015 _

_Sleeping with him never felt this good before. We never realize how much things mean to us before we realize we are losing them._

_I am slowly losing Dan._

_His breathing is getting worse._

_April 17 th,2015 _

_We are home._

_I’m with him. He is my home._

_April 20 th, 2015 _

_He is mumbling in his sleep. He is saying my name._

_I love him so much._

_I don’t want to lose him._

_April 24 th, 2015 _

_He made breakfast for me today. We ate it on my bed and I didn’t complain about the crumbs going everywhere._

_I am learning not to complain._

_What can I complain about when his head is resting on my shoulder and I can hear his heartbeat?_

_What can I complain about when I can hold the only thing I love in between my arms?_

_What is there to this more than Dan?_

_I don’t know. I don’t know what I will do without him._

_I don’t want him to die._

_April 25 th,2015 _

_There should be a way to describe the way he looks up at me while he is propped up on one elbow, tall grass grazing his dimples._

_I guess there isn’t._

_But it’s my favorite thing in the world._

_April 26 th,2015 _

_Dan likes being outdoors with me. So I am taking him to the river today. We are going to look at the stars._

_I am going to look at him._

_He is my star._

_And my world will be dark without him._

_I don’t want to lose my light._

_I don’t want to be in the dark._

_April 28 th,2015 _

_Today he fell asleep on my lap. I couldn’t wake him up, I didn’t want to._

_I just held him and watched him sleep._

_He looks young. He looks beautiful. I love him so much._

_I always will._

_April 30 th,2015 _

_I bought tickets for France. Dan is happy. I love him._

_He is getting worse._

_May 6 th,2015 _

_It was such a bright day today, I got to see him run around and be happy. The sun shone into his eyes and I couldn’t help but smile back. After seven years of loving each other, a simple clutch of hand and an exhale of breath told what my words couldn’t say._

_I love him._

_May 8 th, 2015 _

_The flight was exhausting. I didn’t have any sleep. Dan slept on my shoulder. He is tired._

_I am tired._

_I am tired of checking if he’s breathing at night. I am tired of waking up in the middle of the night gasping for air; god knows which nightmare I had woken up from._

_Watching him slowly die was exhausting._

_May 9 th, 2015 _

_We slept the whole day._

_And night._

_That night, Dan tangled in my arms, his warm breath brushing my skin, I tried to imagine him getting better. I was hoping for a miracle I knew I would never get. I was still hoping._

_Then he woke up crying, breathing heavily._

_He was sweating and he had a fever and I had panicked and I didn’t know what to do._

_He fell asleep crying into my shirt, saying his chest hurt. I had seen him cry before. I had seen him get hurt before._

_But this was different._

_Last night, I had watched Dan die._

_Almost._

_May 10 th, 2015 _

_Today we got to walk on Pont des Arts hand to hand. I watched Dan’s quiet smile as he locked our names on the padlock and threw the key away._

_Without letting go of my hand._

_I had lost the key to my heart long ago with Dan locked inside._

_Maybe that’s why it hurts so much. To see him drift away from me when all I can do is watch._

_Maybe 12 th, 2015 _

_We spent the whole day looking at art in Louvre. I chose to look at Dan._

_Because he is art._

_The way his eyebrows arch when he smiles, his cute little smirk, the way he looks down when he is embarrassed, the way he sounds like 20 hyenas exploding when he laughs, his touch, the brown of his eyes, the curl of his lips, the way he clasps his hands when he is serious, the way he looks at me, his dimples, his bed hair, the way his arms falls on me when he sleeps, the way his smile reaches his eyes in a way the world seems so bright, almost blinding._

_Everything about him is art._

_And I am in love with him. And I am not scared to tell the world anymore._

_He is my everything._

_And it scares me. It scares me that he is there is nothing I wouldn’t do for him. There is nothing that I wouldn’t do only that he could live._

_But there isn’t._

_So I just hold his hand and wait for the waves to crash, to drown us._

_May 18 th, 2015 _

_He woke up crying again, panting. He couldn’t breathe. He fell asleep after two hours._

_I don’t know what to do with myself._

_May 24 th, 2015 _

_We don’t have much time left. Less than a month, he will be gone._

_May 26 th, 2015 _

_He fell asleep mumbling that he loved me._

_May 27 th, 2015 _

_It’s impossible to fall asleep._

_I don’t want to waste even a second. I want to spend the entirety of my life with him._

_But that’s also impossible._

_May 28 th, 2015 _

_Dan couldn’t breathe today. I took him to the hospital._

_He still doesn’t know._

_May 31 st, 2015 _

_Dan is staying in the hospital. He told me to go home._

_It is so empty. Without Dan._

_I have to get used to this._

_I have to get used to be alone._

_June 5 th,2015 _

_Dan came home. He is resting. He is better._

_June 6 th, 2015 _

_We have a week left._

_I am scared when his time is up, I won’t be there to pick up my broken pieces._

_I am not ready for Dan to leave me._

_June 7 th, 2015 _

_I took him to the London Eye and we watched the world beneath the foggy sky. As Dan’s amazed face turned towards me, I kissed him with everything I had._

_He is my world._

_I am not ready to lose him._

_June 8 th, 2015 _

_We made a video together. He is editing it right now._

_His last video._

_An unknown goodbye._

_June 9 th, 2015 _

_The end is near and I am so scared. I am terrified of losing him._

_The idea of him being entirely gone horrifies me._

_I am scared._

_I am losing him._

_June 10 th, 2015 _

_I am hoping his last breath is a sigh of relief._

_June 11 th, 2015 _

_It’s birthday today. His last one._

_I gave him balloons and kisses and everything he wanted for his birthday. We went out for a drink and walked back home._

_Hand to hand._

_He is happy. He is as happy as he can be. And he is alive. His eyes are still bright and his heart is still beating and he is still breathing and his body didn’t give up on him yet._

_I didn’t give up on him yet._

_This isn’t the end._

_Not yet._

_June 12 th, 2015 _

_We are watching Kill Bill, maybe for the millionth time._

_It’s his last._

_I am about to lose him._

 

It was peaceful for Dan, dying. He was resting his head on Phil’s chest, his arms wrapped around him. His scent was soothing. Dan fell asleep, maybe never to wake up again, but it was with Phil and he was happy. He had just said that he loved him and Phil had buried his face into Dan’s hair, pulling him closer.

Phil had waited, eyes fixated on the clock, slowly ticking away. He had watched the clock strike, counting each second. 2:40. He clenched his teeth, using every ounce of strength left in him to not to cry. He pulled Dan closer, feeling his breath on his skin, still warm. Still there.

2:41. Dan’s breathing was slowing. Phil slowly started stroking Dan’s hair. It was soft. He smiled.

2:42. Phil had started to sing. He was crying.

_“Whether near or far, I am always yours…Any change in time, we are young again… Lay us down, we are in love…”_

2:44 Dan’s breathing was almost nonexistent.

_“In these coming years, many things will change, but the way I feel, will remain the same.”_

2:46 Dan inhaled sharply. Then his breathing hitched. He was dying.

“ _Lay us down, we are in love…._ Fuck, Dan! Dan!”

2:47.

Death was just a sharp inhale of breath for Dan.

Then he was gone.

“Dan!”

He placed his hand on Dan’s chest, searching for a sign of life.

His heart wasn’t beating.

“Dan! You have to wake up, Dan please! Wake up! Dan!”

His sobs caught in his throat and his hands felt numb, his knuckles turning white.

“Dan… I love you so much please wake up.”

Phil got up, suddenly shocked by how small and frail Dan had looked on the grey couch. His eyes were stinging. He reached for his phone, dialing 911.

He knew it was useless. He knew Dan wasn’t coming back.

It was a cardiac arrest. His heart didn’t have enough oxygen to pump enough life into Dan’s veins.

So he was dead.

They took him away from Phil, to a cold, dark place. Phil barely remembered shouting after them, barely remembered the sudden pain in his arm, barely remembered falling to his knees and sobbing.

He barely remembered how the tears wouldn’t stop rushing down his face.

He remembered how pale Dan looked, how hallow his face looked without his patient smile or sarcastic smirk or genuine dimples. Dan had looked lifeless.

His death had occurred within minutes. Phil’s whole world had fallen apart within minutes.

They had told Phil to go home.

The house was cold and empty, without Dan’s rushed footsteps echoing down the hall or his laugh ringing in Phil’s ears.

It was the farthest thing away from home.

For the last seven years, not a day had passed without Phil hearing Dan’s voice or seeing his smile. It was strange.

It felt as if Dan would come right up through the front door with grocery bags heavy in his hands and ask Phil for help. It felt as if he was playing Mario Kart next room.

It was too quiet.

Dan was never quiet.

He was the sound of Phil’s world and now it just felt silent and empty.

Phil had cried. Hugging Dan’s mom, during his announcement video, into his pillow. Tears were shelter for Phil. It had given him something to do.

Without Dan, Phil didn’t know what to do. Who to go to when he was hurt.

It hurt like shit.

He slept in Dan’s bed for a whole month, not bothering to pack any of his stuff. The smell of him was comforting, like Dan was still there. Like Phil was waiting for his return.

Phil had learned.

How the universe doesn’t give a shit if you love someone with everything you have, how losing the person you love the most will shatter you, how impossible it was to pick up to pieces when nothing was left.

He had learned how much of a nothing he was without Dan.

He still had nightmares, watching Dan die over and over again. Every single time he was in more pain, hyperventilating, coughing up blood.

Phil was glad it was painless.

He had died in peace, he had died alive.

Phil would always remember his promise.

Whether near or far, he was always Dan’s.

And no matter what, Dan would always remain the guy Phil had fallen in love with.

He knew he would never find someone as perfect as Dan. As beautiful, as accepting, as loving, as kind, as funny.

He knew Dan was Dan and that was it.

That the universe was only kind enough to create one perfection for a universe.

How unfair it was, that the universe took Dan from Phil, snatched him out of his arms in a single breath, a single flashing.

He was 24.

It wasn’t fair.

Phil stayed quiet.

Everything went away after all, everything eventually got better. This wound would heal too. Like all the others.

Maybe not.

But Phil had decided to keep this pain a little more, it was all that was left from Dan. And it was a good kind of hurt.

Phil loved Dan with the love and the hate and the happiness and the pain and the life and the death.

Phil loved Dan with everything extra that he came with.

Phil never regretted loving Dan.

The pain slowly faded itself into a small wound, it had stopped bleeding. But it still hurt. Phil had accepted that, how he would always remember Dan with a smile, with a shot of pain. He would always feel alone in the crowd, his best friend was no longer there.

It took him two months to make a video. He finally said goodbye to Dan.

Goodbye didn’t mean letting go.

You could say goodbye to a friend then meet years later, it didn’t mean anything was ending.

Goodbye didn’t mean Phil was forgetting Dan.

He probably never would.

The end of all things was bound to happen. But just not yet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I am not even sorry anymore.


End file.
